Well usualy the title of my posts have nothing with the content of posts or are obscurly connected to them. This is one of those posts where the title describes what i am feeling. The title comes from an old Savatage song from one of thier crappier albulms.
Basicaly the idea is this. I feel that right now i am sleep walking through life, not really aware of what i am doing, like i'm going on automatic. The funny thing is that not that long ago i told somebody that i felt i spent that last large portion of my life sleep walking through life. aparently i had always known what i was doing and never had to question it. But now i find myself questioning everything i do, like i'm not in crontroll of my own life anymore. It is me making all the decisions still, but it's like i'm watching everything from a distance. It's like when i'm thinking things make sense, but when i open my mouth what i want to say doesn't come out, but instead i don't say what thinking, i say what is buried deep within. To be honest that is verry scary to me right now, considering what has happened to me recently.
To continue with this, on that scariest of all days one thought kept penatrating my mind: "time to start sleepwalking..." I didn't know what that meant untill just a few moments ago. And unfortunately i can't put it into words. Not just yet. But deep down inside i know what it means to me but i can't describe it to anyone i guess, except to say that now the answers i need come to me when i truely need them to come, where as i always had agonize over them days sometimes weeks, or sometimes even months. To qoute a famous movie: "father the sleeper has awakened." Well i know this all my sound contradictory but some of the greatest truths in life lie obscured by contradictions. I realize there are no right or wrong answers, only more questions. But only when the chain of questions ends will you have the answer you seek. And tthe answers are something that is not tangible or quantifiable. The answers aren't something you can really identify or even put into words, but you will know when you have them because you will be satisfied then that you no longer need to question a certain thing. And unfortunately it is then that a new chain of questions begins. And such is life, a never ending cycle. So when a new question arises be satisfied that you don't need the answers. To be satisfied without questioning is all that is important.
I know this all may sound a bit crazy but it is something that came to me as i typed it. So if any of you are confused by my words, just think what i must be going through right now. It's something no one will ever understand, not even me.
Well i have to end it here. If you're confused by any of this just ask me. I probably won't have any answers though...
Ok till next time people.
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